Sleep Paralyshit Takes Me Nowhere


Around 04.05 AM this morning,

I forced myself to wake up since I had a very very bad dream and it was worse when I couldn’t move my body at all. They say it was sleep paralysis, so that was my third or fourth sleep paralysis in this week. It’s sound crazy, isn’t it? how can I have sleep paralysis very often?!

Now it’s 05.03 AM. I’m still awake and decide to write,

My eyes seem very heavy to open, I know I am too tired to stay awake yet I’m scared every time I shut my eyes. I’m scared of the thought I can’t wake my body up. Moreover, those horror dreams are haunting me all the time.

I think about the thing I’d done before I went to sleep last night. I remember I went to sleep around at 02.00 AM after I did unnecessary thing.. I cannot tell y’all what I did, but I can make sure it was the bad habit of mine. Lately, I’ve done that thing a lot and I don’t even know why.. oh I remember last night I blamed someone for something I did. I know, I know it’s not right to blame someone for something I did. However, I have a reason. I’m not trying to make myself right by blaming someone else, but last night I thought about how people around me can be so cruel for leaving me alone when I need them to talk. How can someone be so cruel to me when I'm always be there to listen to him whenever he needs an ear. I think it is unfair for me. I always try my best to be easy for them to reach but I get no one when I need them. I’m upset right now. Nevertheless, I’m not mad at the world, or universe or the people who called themselves a friend. I’m mad at myself. I’m mad since I set my hopes too high or too much. I’m mad since I let myself depend on someone’s shoulder. I’m mad since I let myself for being weak. I’m mad since I let myself scared of a little shit.  I wonder is it wrong to feel this way? Am I too selfish to myself because I used to make myself strong and brave so I feel a little bit ashamed if I feel weak like this?

Am I wrong for having a feeling like this? Feeling like I don’t receive something as much as I deserve.. feeling like, all this time I never let him down but why he lets me down all alone.. even when he feels down I always blame myself for not being there but why when I need him the most he flees away. Why why why why?! I cannot take away the ‘why’ word inside my mind. Shit.

After all, I always hold my tongue and my anger so we can make it work but I feel enough for today.

I spent all night long thinking about how to make myself keep steady whenever he flees away.

All
Night
Long
and
He
Just
Disappear. 

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